My emotions are a little raw this morning. Jackson has begun to ask questions. Questions that I’m not ready to answer. Questions whose answers still cut me to the quick. Questions that have the potential to shake up his world. And I can’t lie to him. I can’t protect him from the pain. All that I can do is be as honest and supportive as possible and try to protect him from the hurt that I hoped he would never feel.
He knows that his daddy became his daddy when he was 4. He knows that he loves him more than the world. He knows that he would literally lay down his life for him. But now he wants to know where he came from.
Last night we were watching Miller play and the conversation turned to who does he look like. As we talked about him having mommy’s nose and daddy’s lips, Jackson asked us if he was just all me since he didn’t have a daddy when he was little. It was a question I knew was coming but I was in no way prepared for. My husband, being the incredible man and father that he is, told Jackson that he has parts of both of us – he has mommy’s looks and daddy’s heart. I sob as I sit here and type that. How I ever found a man like him is beyond me. But as he grows and learns about life, he is going to learn that there was someone else. Someone that he doesn’t know, doesn’t remember and I’m scared he won’t understand.
I want him to continue to have the security that we have worked so hard to give him. I want him to continue knowing that he is the most loved little boy in the world. I want him to know that his daddy loves him just like he was his own. I want him to know that my bad choices don’t have to effect his life.
It’s hard for me to even put all this out here but I need to purge these feelings so I can prepare myself for this conversation. I need to put the pain aside and focus on the beauty that came of a bad situation. I need to remember that Jackson has the best daddy in the world and blood doesn’t affect that.
But I’m just scared. Scared that the answers to his questions will change me in his eyes. Scared that he will feel that he is loved less instead of more. Scared that he will not see that he has a daddy that made the choice to love him.
The questions have to be answered. And I can only hope that the answers provide him with the truth that I learned through this situation. That sometimes the best parent is not the one you were born to. Sometimes it is someone who can come in and look past all the circumstances and see an amazing little boy and want to call him his own. Someone who is there at every event in his life. Someone who teaches him how to grow. Someone who tucks him into bed every night. Someone who took his heart and gave it away to a child. Because that is what a father does. So despite the fear, despite the doubt, I know we will get through this. And I know that Jackson will still know that he is incredibly loved. He will know not only that he is loved, but that he is wanted and adored and the lukiest little boy in the world. And I will be eternally thankful for that.