My son is a good kid. He’s smart. Talented. A strong athlete and student. We’ve always had a great relationship and have always been super close. But over the last few years, as he’s entered his teens, it feels like more of a wall has come between us. Where we once could talk about everything, many topics are met with blank stares, shrugs of his shoulders and groans. It has had me as a mom wondering if I’m doing this parenting thing wrong when it comes to my teen. After all, I know I HAVE to talk to him about certain topics like sex, drugs and other risky behaviors. But what’s a parent to do when it feels like that sweet little baby that you taught to walk and talk tries to shut you completely out of the everyday experiences they are dealing with? That’s the question I’ve been posing to myself. It’s the topic I’ve been diving into. And while I’ll be the first to admit that every teen is different, I’ve discovered a few pointers that make talking with my teen about risky behaviors easier and more productive.
Tip 1: Do Your Research
This is my first time being a parent of a teen. And where I once thought that the teen years would be a breeze (after all, I used to be a teen myself so I can TOTALLY relate, right?) I’m discovering that no matter how cool of a teen I thought I was, communicating with my teen is tough. Between hormones, outside influences and misinformation, there are times where I feel like I’m walking into a minefield instead of a discussion with a child that I gave birth to. I have quickly discovered that throwing out “teen lingo” and replying with perfectly sarcastic comments gets me nowhere. Even though it’s how he talks to his friends (and to me), it doesn’t work when I approach a tough topic in that way with him. After figuring out that I needed to throw everything I THOUGHT I knew about talking to my teen out the window, I decided to do a little research and enlist the help of the real experts.
After reading through Dr. Jennifer Salerno’s Teen Speak, I quickly realized that every approach I was using on my teen was wrong. I was talking to him in was that he wouldn’t respond to and actually alienating him to the conversation by my own attempts to be the cool parent and communicate in the way I thought he would understand. Be getting professional, research based insights that are backed up by solid facts and foundations, I was able to learn the best way to communicate with my teen.
And while I don’t want to offer too many tips because I think every parent should read this book BEFORE talking to their teen about risky behaviors, let me just say that the information in this book will totally change not only the way you look at communication with your teen but how you see your teen in general. It will give you insight into how their minds work, how their bodies are changing and how you as a parent can best address all these changes as well as the temptations that are in front of them in a way that is productive and comfortable for both of you.
Tip 2: Set The Stage for a Productive Conversation
I know that life with a teen is busy. We’re on the go almost all the time. But I also know that talking to my oldest in the car as my little guy throws toys from the back or trying to have a conversation while dinner is being cooked isn’t a good idea. Setting the stage for a productive conversation to me means carving out a time when we can sit down together and really talk. It means taking away the distractions of electronics and daily life and really listening to each other. Often it even means drawing him in with a snack and uninterrupted attention.
But Dr. Salerno taught me that it also means not simply giving my son a spill about what he should and shouldn’t be doing. As important as it is to set the stage physically, it’s equally important to set the stage emotionally by asking my teen questions and allowing him to lead the conversation (or at least think he is) while I’m gently guiding him where I want him to go.
Tips 3: Listen
I have a habit of talking “at” my teen, especially when it comes to hard subjects. I’ll plan everything out in my mind and then sit him down and give him the whole spill on what I want him to know. However, after reading Dr. Salerno’s book, I discovered that I’ve been doing it all wrong. While I do need to talk, it’s more important that I listen.
By asking him open ended question about how certain topics make him feel or what he thinks about certain behaviors and then listening to his response, I’m able to form a much better baseline for our conversations and validate his thoughts and opinions instead of simply expressing my own. Even better, I’m able to allow HIM to come the the right conclusion on risky behaviors in a way that will stick with him much better than if I had simply offered my own opinions.
Tips 4: Leave The Lines of Communication Open (Follow Up)
While most of us parents would love to think that we can have a conversation with our teens once and leave it there, that’s just not the case. They need follow up. Then need to have the lessons reaffirmed. And they need to know that we continue to care about their choices and their well-being. Formulating follow up questions to your conversations and finding opportunities to ask you teen if they have thought any more about what you discussed or had any new thoughts is a great place to start.
It allows them to share their thoughts with you as well as allowing you to follow up and ensure that your teen is staying on the right track.
I have to say, since reading Teen Speak by Dr. Jennifer Salerno, I’ve opened the lines of communication with my son and had conversations that I thought we’d never have. I’ve been open to what he wants to express and it’s helped me navigate through tough topics in a way that has been beneficial to both of us. If you are a mom of a teen (or even a pre-teen) consider Teen Speak as your required reading BEFORE sitting down to talk to your child about risky behaviors. It’s the perfect way to make sure that you’re ready to have a conversation that is productive for everyone involved.
To get your own copy of Teen Speak, click here. It’s a quick and easy read that packed full of resources and information that will make talking to your teen an experience that is beneficial for both of you.
Tell me, have you talked to your teen about risky behaviors yet? Why or why not?
I’m not a parent yet or anything, but this is definitely a helpful one maybe for the future. We bookmarked this for future references. 🙂
This is something all parents need. We may remember what it was like to be a teen, but I still haven’t figured out how to talk with mine without her getting weird on me. Thanks!
My daughter has 2 teen sons right now and a preteen! Teen Speak sounds like a nice book for parents. The open ended questions and setting the right atmosphere are good ideas, I like that.
Shirley Wood recently posted..How To Make Milk Jug Bird Houses
I don’t have a teenager yet, but this sounds like a great book. It is definitely something worth reading. It’s important that we talk to our kids in a meaningful way.
These are great tips. I have a tween right now and I make sure to keep communication open so she knows she can come to me with anything.
These are great tips for talking to your teen about risky behaviors. My daughter is 26 and I still have these types of conversations with her. I have a bad habit of not listening so thank you for the reminder.
Parenting a teen is so much different than parenting a child. This sounds like a helpful book for parents of teenagers.
I am not a parent, but can see how these talks would have possibly helped me as a young teen girl. Glad you are sharing this!
I want to have a good relationship with my kids by teens hitting. Everybody talks about the teenage years with such dread.. eh I don’t want it.
My kids are all grown and I have to say that their teen years were not bad at all. We’ve always encouraged open communication in our home. Now I have a tween grandson, so I may need to read this book as a refresher on talking to teens. Sounds like a great book.
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These are great tips and parenting a teen now is so different when we were teens. Having an open line of communication is very vital .
Gwendolyn Mulholland recently posted..Halloween Mummy Cans #12DaysofHalloween
I hear you when it comes talking “at” a teen rather than to them. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard to get through my little cousins, who are all grown up now. Thanks for this post! It may help with my communication with them.
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I was lucky that my kids were good as teens. Teens time can be hard.
I need to read this book! My oldest is almost a teenager, and I still find it hard to have difficult conversations with her. I just always want her to be comfortable talking to me. I definitely need to listen more.
Parenting changes as your children grow and once they become teens, it’s an all new ball game. Doing what we see other parents doing or what worked with us when we were teens may not work. A book like this is a great resource to have on hand!
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People warn you about how hard it is to parent a teen but I don’t think you truly know until you get there yourself. We need a toolbox that is varied and it sounds like this book would help figure out what some of those tools should be.
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Dr. Jennifer Salerno’s Teen Speak sounds like a book I need to read. I have two Tweens in the house. I will have to check it out.
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Talking to your Teens about risky behaviors is so important. This looks like a great book. I can use all the help I can get.
I have a few friends that need to read this post. Teens can be so hard to deal with. It is important to have open communication.
Teen Speak sounds like a great book for any one with teens. It’s so important to keep everyone on the same page with open communication.
What a great post for anyone with teens. Teen Speak sounds like it should be required reading for every parent as we go through that challenging, but wonderful stage of our kids’ maturation process.
Oh my goodness this sounds like a great book. But boy am I afraid of my kids growing up. They are all good kids and we communicate well now, but they are still very young. Teen years scare me!
My son is a pre-teen but it is almost time to have this discussion. My son hates to communicate about the body. It is necessary, but I want to make it as easy-going on us as much as possible.
Great tips, snacks always help.
Loved your post! I have a tween…it’s already hard to talk with him!!
Thank you for these tips, I will have teen at home soon. I have tweens now and I can already say that they are changing.
Love this post and great tips for parents with teenagers! I don’t have kids yet, but this will be a fantastic resource to use when I do.
I’m all for anything (tool or book) that helps parents have critical conversations with their teens. They are looking for guidance and really want to hear what us parents have to say-no matter how sullen or moody they appear
I’m going through this myself right now with 2 of my kiddos. They are at that age. I’m definitely getting this book.
This is great info. Talking is the key to keeping kids safe! By the way, you two are too cute!!
In a few years, I’m gonna have a teen myself and thank you for your tips, at least I have an idea how I’ll talk to her in the near future.